(she waves) bye, bye 2011

OK – 2011 is over.  And I can’t say I’m exactly sorry to see it go. 

In fact if my truth be told, I’m kinda like, “Good-bye, good riddance – and may the door hit you (hard) on the ass as you leave.”

Now don’t get me wrong – in many respects, it was the best year ever!  My granddaughter, the (cherished) Princess Olivia was born.  And I can and will say she is truly one of the brightest and most sparkly lights in my life – for many reasons too numerous to list. And I will hold to my heart and treasure forever the memory of my son’s face as he placed his precious newborn daughter in my arms and said “here, Grandma.”

It doesn’t get much better than that.

But 2011 was also one of the hardest and heaviest and most painful and (at times) overwhelming years I’ve had in a while. 

When I stood on the threshold of 2011 and chose my “one little word” for the upcoming year:

truth – as in tell the truth, know the truth, seek the truth,

I had no idea what kind of truth seeing and telling and seeking and discerning lessons and opportunities for growth I would be given.      

Nope.

 I was pretty much only thinking about Jesus saying, "And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" as I (ok - naively) envisioned myself frolicking (merrily, happily, and joyously) through 2011’s meadows of sunshine and light, saying “no thank you” when I wanted to, or “I don’t want to” when I didn’t, without feeling encumbered or responsible or obligated or guilty.

You know – that kind of truth telling.    

But the universe had other plans and lessons for my one little word. 

This quote was on one of my 2011 journal pages:

When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. When a person tells you who they are, pay attention and listen closely instead of arguing with them because you want them to be someone else. (Maya Angelou)

All I can say is be careful what you wish for because it just might be granted.  Because in my case (in this case) it was.

Certain people I thought loved me showed me they didn’t.  Certain people I thought were my friends showed me they weren’t.  Certain people who told me they would be with me forever, left without a goodbye.

Every single relationship I had was shoved up under the light of uncompromised truth.  I accept that it had to happen, and in fact I opened the door for it to happen and asked for it by choosing truth as my focus word.  And, I can also say that right now today, I am in a better place for it – clearing out the muck and yuk of toxic or negative relationships leaves wide open space to focus on the good, positive and supportive relationships, which is what I wanted in the first place. 

It’s just that, well (inserting a whine here)…..it was a bitch and some of it really, really sucked - you know? 

Then, as if all that relationship moving and shaking and upheaval wasn’t enough, my own body turned against me as a final hurrah, and I was forced to become really cognizant of the relationship I had with it too.

The doctors thought I had leukemia, but the tests showed I didn’t.

So then they said lymphoma, and I was poked and prodded and force fed glow in the dark chemicals and scanned – only to find out it wasn’t that either. 
And then I had to have a hysterectomy with 8 weeks of recuperation.
And I was barely recovered from that when my back went out and I was unable to walk (without crutches) for 6 weeks.
 And although I’m walking (for the most part) on my own again, I have had to make major changes in lifestyle and I’m not exactly always gracious about it.  (Although I’m working on it.)
 
Then, the whole back thing brought up memories (flashbacks) of the night I went backwards down a flight of stairs and laying on the cold cement floor of the basement, told my nine year old self that there was no-one I could ever trust to protect me or help me and I was (and always would be) on my own.  I had stuck to some version of that story for 45 years and it really needed to be held up to a new light of truth in today.

All of that mentioned above left me a little too aware of my powerlessness.

A little more vulnerable that I’m comfortable with.
And a little scared.

(pausing to catch my breath)

So you can see why, at the threshold of 2012 where I once again choose my “one little word” – I was a little gun-shy. 

But as they say…..no guts, no glory, and I have always been a bit of a scrapper.  I am a queen and it’s not in my nature to shrink and hide in the corner.

But I can be a little less arrogant.

So,  (taking a deep breath and ok – crouching down just a little bit) here goes……

My one little word that I release out into the universe for 2012 is:

em·brace

1. to take or clasp in the arms; press to the bosom; hug.

2. to take or receive gladly or eagerly; accept willingly: to embrace an idea.
3. to avail oneself of: to embrace an opportunity.
4. to adopt.
5. to take in with the eye or the mind.
6. to encircle; surround; enclose.
7. to include or contain.

That’s it.  Embrace.

As in embrace the wonder and joy and blessings in my life. As in embrace giggles and laughter and fun. As in embrace deservedness, and sovereignty and sacred. As in embrace love and friendship and family. Embrace it and hold it close to my heart.

This is where I have always laughed out loud and said, “Let the games begin!”
“Come and get me, my one little word.”
With gusto,  “Bring it on!”  
Maybe that's where I got in trouble - sounding like I was throwing down a gauntlet or something.  
So this year I'll still say it, but change the tone of my voice.

And add something.  

A humble (yes really) little plea.  

Hey Universe, I'm still feeling a little battered and dinged from 2011, so could you maybe be a little gentler with me and my one little word this year?

Please? 

(Seriously. It can't hurt to ask.)

Right?