all i can say....

Do they make these in a red glitter model?

When I was nine years old, I fell backwards down the basement stairs – coming to rest in a heap on the cold cement floor.

I couldn’t move.
I tried to get up.
I tried to push myself up.
I tried to drag myself across the floor.
But I couldn’t move.
And then my mom tried to pull me up by grabbing onto my arms and dragging me.
But that didn’t work either.

I was paralyzed.

So I laid my head down on the floor and closed my eyes. What I have always remembered most about that night is the soothing and calming feel of the cold cement against my cheek.

So soothing I didn’t cry.
Or make a sound.
I just laid there silently in the stillness.

I thought about that floor Monday as I sat in the doctor’s office listening to the latest prognosis on my back.

For the last six months I have been unable to stand upright on my own for any extended length of time. Or walk without being in pain. Or get through a day without relying on pain meds of some kind. I’ve been in and out of doctor’s offices and gone through a whole battery of x-rays and scans. And physical therapy. And traction. And an epidural.

But in spite of all that, for the last week, I have been (for the most part) unable to walk without the aid of a cane or crutches. Those who see me like this ask what happened, what I did, what suddenly brought this on - seemingly (to outside appearances) overnight.

It wasn’t overnight. So, I tell them about my backwards fall down a flight of stairs; the severe bruising in my spinal column and two fractured disks, and now, 45+ years later, the accumulative repercussions of the injuries on my back from then to now. (It’s a long and depressing list.)

Yes, it’s been bad for a while now, but I’ve been really good at denying how bad it was and hiding the reality of my pain and the increasing difficulty in standing or walking; not just from everyone else, but also myself.

Because I don’t want it to be real. I want to be able to make it go away by sheer force of mind and will if nothing else. (Which isn’t working.)

I remember laying on that floor and being unable to move. At nine, I didn’t know to be afraid my inability to get up could be permanent. Today I do. And that in itself is really, really scary. Terrifyingly scary.

And so I stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes and wish my cheek was against the cement coolness again so I could make it all go away like I did back then.

There is no surgery option to “fix” this. Nothing to make it go away completely. It’s in the black and white of x-rays and MRI’s, and numerous specialist’s interpretations.

And I don’t have a plan. I always have a plan for dealing with stuff like this, but I don’t now. I don’t know what to do or how to do it. And that’s scary too.

It sucks.
It just really, really f*cking sucks.

For right now, that’s about all I can come up with to say.

speaking of spaciousness (and white)

It's official.  I closed the doors on the artist formerly known as "Three Sisters' Spirit" at 308 W. Broadway in beautiful historic downtown Waukesha Friday. 

And now the move to Clinton Street and the incarnation of "Three Sisters' Uniquities."  

Isn't it beautiful, serene and spacious?  

Can you see why I'm so excited to start creating my vision and manifesting the dream within this space?

I'll keep you posted on the progress!    

change

I decided to recreate and redesign my blog. Lots of wide open spaciousness and white.

You know – room to expand and breathe.

It is so far out of my comfort zone I have to laugh at my reaction (and myself)
I’m squirming in my chair.
Fingers poised on the keyboard.
It’s going to take some getting used to.
Right now I don’t like it – and it’s taking everything I have to leave it alone and sit with it for a while.

And while I can appreciate it's design value and artisitc expression, it's just well.....
I don't know.....
All spaciousness and white.

Keep in mind I am a free spirit.
My grandfather used to call me his little Scottish gypsy.
And my husband will swear that I was a magpie in a previous lifetime because I am drawn to anything that’s bright and sparkly and glittery.

I love change.
Especially in things that involve creativity.
I get bored really easily with the “same old” - whether it’s how my furniture is arranged or the colors on the walls in my house, or my blog or website.

So what’s funny to me is that in spite of how often I change the design of things around me – one thing is constant and consistent in all my change-ups:

I create caves.
And containment.
Not wide open spaces.

I fill up wide open spaces with stuff I call my little treasures.
And a pallette of deep rich color.
Spaces wide enough to allow me to fully stretch my wings, but with secure parameters to bring me back to center..

Which is why my art room is painted a deep earthy purple, and my bedroom is a deep meadow grass green, and my office is a carribean turquoise and my kitchen is a deep tomato red.

Not white.
Not one room in my house is white.
Or what anyone would call spacious and wide open.
Or void of sparkly, glittery stuff.

Yep – this is going to take some getting used to. 
In any event - it'll be interesting.
I'll keep you posted!

i wonder

“God looked around and asked for the hundredth time,

“What the hell did you do with my wife?”

(Sera Beak – the Redvolution)

Growing up in SoCal, I am no stranger to earthquakes. When you grow up with them, you learn to recognize the language – the color of the sky and the eerie stillness and hush that precedes the movement.

When, for a brief moment, time stands still and the cacophony of noise is silenced. Was that God asking, for the hundredth time what had happened to his wife?

Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd,

Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.

William Congreve (1697)

And yesterday, was it her; scorned for centuries – answering “look what they have done to me” in a voice that called (yet again) to be heard?

When sleeping women wake,

mountains move.

(Chinese Proverb)

Yesterday there was a 5.8 quake on the east coast and mountains moved. Was that our hands reaching out and our voices rising in unison with hers?

East – the direction of fire and new beginnings; of creativity and creation; of the rising sun and of vision, inspiration and leadership.

Did we notice the symbolism? Connect the dots?

Was that the Great Mother, (Earth), as the woman scorned, raising herself up and crying out loud against the disregard for her tender soul, the desecration of her body and the justification of her exploitation?

I shake, I shout, from time to time,

but no attention is paid to mind.

Did we, her daughters, pay attention?

I’m your mother, hear my beating heart,

hear my beating heart.

(Mother Earth Speaks – Joanne Shenandoah)

Do we now awaken from our self imposed slumber and go to her, unafraid of mountains moving? Do we hear the impassioned pleas of her beating heart?

Is it time? Is this our call? Is this Mama, standing on the back porch at dusk calling us home to her?

Just wondering y'all……
Just wondering.

finally, the words

It's been an intense 8 months for me.  Full of change and shifts and grabbing on and letting go.  I have sat in the middle of it perplexed and confused and yet paradoxically, in those moments I've also been secure - knowing the upheaval was in divine order.

I've reached out and stretched out and pulled in and curled up.  From sitting in doctor's offices to sitting on the lakeshore, I have searched for the words and images to explain where I am and what I've been feeling.

And then.....this morning the words come through another into my inbox.  Words that describe it and explain it and put it into a context I have struggled to express for myself.  Words I myself could have written, but didn't.

So,  I take these words from the amazing and awe inspiring Tama Kieves and (now) share them with you: 

_________________________________________________________________

When All Heaven Breaks Loose: Losing Control of Your Life--Thank Goodness

There’s a lot of change in the air. It’s a good thing. Buddha said that all suffering stems from trying to hold on to your chocolate mousse. Well, he didn’t say that. He said we try to make things permanent. The nature of reality is fluid. Real life cracks open, breathes, disintegrates, and expands.

Life is designed to shimmy.

You didn’t come here to nail a bird to the ground. Things move. Life flies. It’s not about the stock market, the job market, or climate control. It’s about learning how to thrive on the lack of control.

Boys and girls, we live in dynamic times. We live in dynamic times--- because we are dynamos. We are dynamos being roused into our powers.

A Purpose in Pain:

“The voice of eternity within us demands to be heard,” says the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard “and to make a hearing for itself it makes use of the loud voice of affliction, and when, by the aid of affliction, all irrelevant voices are brought to silence, it can be heard.” That’s a high-class way of saying that pain can help you listen to the limitlessness within you. Every atom within you hums with the music of the spheres--and an occasional Mick Jagger riff. You are not merely the circumstances of your life. It’s time to part the veils. It’s time to expand your experience of awe and discover your spirit.

When all your white-knuckled answers fall away, you can listen to and honor the open-handed direction within you. There is a life beyond the life you know. There is symmetry and intelligence in the “chaos.” There is meaning and ease. “Letting go” and moving into new circumstances is not a death. It’s the birth of a larger part of yourself. Best-selling author Marianne Williamson writes that “Every challenge is a challenge to become who we really are.”

Pain is an invitation to surrender to this greater universal love. It’s a demand to breathe more deeply. It’s the guru that won’t leave you alone. It’s the master that forces you to let go of control so that you can release yourself from the future and the past-- and discover your True Self right now. Your True Self doesn’t need things to turn out a certain way for it to feel secure and alive. Your True Self has master tricks up its midnight blue sleeves, and stardust on its eyelashes. It has more options than you know how to count. In a stillness not of this world, you will find movement not of this world.

I’ve Been Letting go of Control Lately:

I’ve been letting go of control a lot myself these days. I think it’s because my life is changing again, and the Unknown has hacked its way past my security system, says “Boo!” around every corner, blows bubbles, and howls with laughter. Among other things, I am releasing a new book next year, redesigning my business and website and tossing a hundred balls in the air that I can’t possibly catch. The work load seems unthinkable --so I am beginning to think new things. There are just too many variables that I have no control over-- and lately I don’t even seem to have that much control over myself. Part of me is just sitting down in the middle of the road. She refuses to do what I ask. I’m only asking her to put the stars up in the sky, work without ceasing to make up for about 30 years of lag time, and carry the weight of all my hopes and dreams on her back, but she refuses. Something else is going on. I know enough to know that there is direction occurring through this willful lack of focus. My “rebel” is an oracle.

Finally I am “letting go”—trusting that something else is going on, something like transformation. I feel as though I’m relaxing, not because I’m lazy, but because I’m present to the signals of a higher order. “It’s not in my hands” isn’t a statement of abdication, but a statement of abundance. When you turn toward greater powers, you have greater power. Maybe it’s the call of my natural instincts or, maybe, a new found spiritual wisdom-- but I am not interested in conquest. I am drawn to collaboration—with the Flow of Life.

A New Way to Succeed:

I’ve been sharing with friends lately, “I don’t want a life that I can make happen. That’s not the success I’m interested in anymore.” This is what I mean: I know how to climb. I know how to scrape. I know how to pound hours. That’s not what I want. I don’t want a life of power tools, strategy, and commandeering. I want a life that comes for free. I want a perfect storm. I want a creative adventure that courses with a momentum of its own. At last, I trust the Artist, the Architect, the Bus Driver and the unseen dimensions of life affirming life. I trust the Fierce Energy that gave me my desires and dreams in the first place. I don’t see surrender as resignation. I see it as using my abilities. Why use manual power when you’ve been given automatic? Go with the technology.

Yep, I want to succeed like crazy, but now I want to succeed through an energy in the Universe ushering me towards this success—not because I’m a maniac. That means I’m willing to allow the Universe to decide. I’m giving up control.

Mind you, I’m not giving up on my dreams. I’m not giving up on my desires. I am not giving up on taking actions on my own behalf at every minute I can. I am not letting go of my passion or integrity for a minute. I am giving up on taking actions-- that don’t feel guided. I am giving up on doing what I think I should do, what others insist I do, instead of what I feel my soul is asking me to do. I’m no longer taken with the notion of working hard and jamming results. I’m going for broke this time, because I’ve already done broken. I’m going for the experience of grace in my lifetime.

It’s pretty simple. I don’t want to fight reality. I want to cherish it. I want to love my life—whatever it is. I want the Greater Will of a Greater Intelligence to move me towards a greater place. I know it sounds so passive. But let me tell you when you’re a driven ambitious freak who can will herself through Harvard Law School (while controlling her calorie intake to about 5 carrots a day so that she can keep up her pre-existing commitment to anorexia,) this kind of surrender is anything but a nap on the couch. It’s an active commitment. It’s a statement. It’s a line in the sand. I’m throwing out the tap shoes. I’m donning my sandals and walking on holy ground. I am a Freedom Seeker. I no longer want control. I want love and faith.

So join me if you will. Trust your Higher Self. Surrender to your good. You may have learned to fear change. I invite you to welcome it. When change is in the air, Spirit is in the air. Let this Power do for you what you cannot do for yourself. Take three deep breaths and let go of your future and your past. Enter the sacred. Enter the fullness. You don’t need to know how everything is going to work out. You don’t need to know how you will turn oxygen into brain and kidney cells. There are powers beyond your intellect, but not beyond you. Welcome to your freedom.

Source:  Tama Kieves' monthly email newsletter http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
©Copyright 2011 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

big guns

OK – did someone put something in the Kool-aide yesterday or what?

I mean seriously girlfriends – I felt like that guy in the commercial who’s half an hour early for the flash mob, only (in my case) it was more a case of being half an hour late for the crab-ass sit in.

I (obviously) missed the invite - especially the part that told everyone the dress was black cloud over the head formal and I was hosting the party at my store.

Yep – as the day went on, I became more and more convinced someone shook the trees and put something in the Kool-aide yesterday. It’s been a while since I’ve seen so many Whiney Winnies, Negative Nellys and Debbie Downers showing up in one place at the same time.

Showing up in MY place at the same time.

Not knowing I was hosting the party, I was (to say the least) totally unprepared for the onslaught and it got ugly. Especially when they started demanding party favors and ice cream with their cake and all I had on hand were a handful of Tootsie Rolls in my candy dish out front.

What was a Queen to do?

I did the only thing I could do. The thing I always do when I don't know what else to do and the world seems a wee bit overwhelming for my tender heart.  I straightened my crown and retreated to my office, where I pulled (from it’s secret and sacred place) the big guns as I call it ….

(disclaimer - don't say you weren't warned...........)



(Oh Johnny, Johnny, Johnny....be still my beating heart.) 
 
And - all was instantly and profoundly right with the world.
The cavalry with reinforcement was here.
Holding this in my hands, I am invincible.    
Hear me roar.  (Or purr.)
  
Seriously.
 
The big guns work every time.
 
Oh yea.  They so do.

reconnecting to holiness

When I was a little girl I would pin a black scarf over my white headband, put rosary beads around my neck, and (much to my mother’s chagrin) pretend I lived in a convent, forcing my little brothers to play “church” with me as I passed out cookies as communion.


And in the ensuing years, I have studied diverse theologies, sat at the knees of priestesses, wise women, shamans, healers, and mystics, meditated in ashrams, made pilgrimages to sacred sites, walked labyrinths, spent time in hermitages and monasteries and spiritual retreat, been anointed with oils, placed my naked yoni on a bed of moss, taken my place in groves and grottos and circles and tents, laid my body prostate - heartbeat to heartbeat with the earth, had sacred symbols drawn into the palms of my hands, danced on moonlit beaches and made a practice of observing (and honoring) the Sabbath every Sunday.

Yes, I have been blessed to experience and live sacred and holy first hand – to have it fill me and nourish me - embracing it deeply within my heart and soul.

(From Al-Anon) Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

But somewhere over the past year, I got complacent and negligent - both in my seeking and my conscious contact. I let outer details and responsibilities take priority, putting my spiritual practices on the back burner, in a smokescreen of busyness, telling myself the sacred and holy was so inherent within me, it would always be there to sustain me.

Until it wasn’t.

And in the last two months, feeling the longing deeply within my heart, I’ve been working to bring that holy and sacred connection back into my life.

I’ve even heard the words of Sister Ann from my second grade catechism classes echoing in my ears lately, “We are temples for the Holy Spirit and God works in mysterious ways through all of us as His messengers …”

I have always been drawn to holy women – those who embody sacredness and reverence and a deep, abiding and inherent connection with God(dess). I draw great inspiration and grounding from them.

Women like Oprah Winfrey. So it shouldn’t have come as any surprise that the other night I just happened to turn on the TV for background noise as I cleaned up the kitchen, and the TV just happened to be tuned to the Oprah channel, and the show “Season 25 – Behind the Scenes” just happened to be on and it just happened to be the episode about her very last Oprah show.

The TV comes on just as Oprah is talking about her last elevator ride to the last show. About how every day, for the last 25 years she has used that solitary elevator ride down to the studio to center herself with a prayer and an affirmation:

"In God, I move and breathe and have my being."

My head swivels around and I zero in. Take a breath. And stand there in the middle of my kitchen – my attention not on the sink full of dishes, but on her words. She quotes one of my favorite lines from the philosopher Dag Hammerskjold, “If the only prayer you ever say is please and thank-you, it is enough” and the episode ends with her saying, “All glory to God.” Tears fill my eyes.

Holiness doesn’t have to be big. It can be as simple as an utterance of please and thank you. As simple as an acknowledgement and an honoring.

But it does need to be conscious. Mindful. In the moment present.

I wake up the next morning thinking about all that. Thinking about how it doesn’t matter why or how I forgot how important the conscious connection is in my life, but that I am ready to pick it back up now.

As if the pause never existed.

I sit myself down at the computer to write my blog – and then take a break to check in with what my blog buddies are writing. And go figure - one of my holy women friends (Sally Sunshine) is writing about the same episode; struck by the same words I’m writing about!

And the words of another dear friend ring in my ears – “Is that odd or is that God?”

I vote for God on this one. He’s good at the gentle nudge.
And choosing the messengers.

All I had to do was say please and (now) thank you.

"The world will not fall apart if we step into our grace and express our vastness. 

It is more likely the world will stop falling apart when we do." 

Geneen Roth

What if I told you today was the day?

The day to step into your grace and express your vastness?  The day to make a commitment to live YOU in all your bodalicious uniqueness.

Today.
Starting now.

The day to quit hiding and/or pretending you are anything less than the magnificent creature you are; to sit at your own knee and hang on your every word; to be totally and fully intrigued by your mystery and enthralled with your wisdom; to delight in your deliciousness, and to marvel at how well life looks on you; the day to giggle with coquettish glee at all that makes you divinely, curvaceously, abundantly, woman; the day to laugh loudly at your own jokes; to quote yourself and to be inspired by the vast and unlimited potential of your inherent creativity and passion.

What if I told you today was the day?

Today.

The day to follow where your heart leads, to say yes to yourself, to grab the brass ring with both hands and hold on tight; to give away a little less and hold on to a little more; to do what you want to do and not do what you don’t want to do.

The day to park yourself smack dab in the middle of YOU and savor every single second of every single bit of you.

What if I told you today was that day and that no one else can tell of your fire, paint with your words, or sing with your voice like you in the middle of you? 

That the world needs you to express you.
That I need you to express you.  

Right now.
Today.

Would you believe me?
Would you do it?

I am convinced that if we would all make a pact to deal with mean and difficult people in the way described below, there would be a whole lot less mean and difficult people in the world or in the way of kindness and common courtesy.

Seriously.  I do.

Steps for dealing with mean & difficult people

1 ) Recognize that mean & difficult people exist; and you will eventually encounter them. There isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: If you think you might be dealing with a mean and difficult person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.

2 ) Do not call them out because it will frustrate them. They'll probably become become more mean and difficult, but just stand your ground and be confident.

3) Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is a mean and difficult person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your mean and difficult person proclaim (loudly) that "Everyone else likes me so what's your problem?" This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.

4) Understand that it's not you, it's them - and that they have a complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with a mean and difficult person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what mean and difficult people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, mean and difficult people "can do no wrong."

5) Defuse them. Stay calm, don't spit angry words at them, and whatever you do, don't cry - this will only stimulate them to do more of the mean and difficult behavior. Try ignoring them. Try looking away or starting another conversation, with a totally different topic. Find something you can agree with or praise them for. Do not, under any circumstances, join them in bashing, blaming or complaining. Do not bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive. Redirect by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!

6) Realize that you cannot deal with mean and difficult people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable or rational conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

7 ) Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, (or all the bad in their life) you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not the truth. Understand that oftentimes, mean and difficult  people are particularly "fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the mean and difficult person into another tirade.

8 ) Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the mean and difficult.  It's something they know inside and out.  Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Mean and difficult people have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Ten years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place). Mean and difficult people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.

9) Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called mean and difficult for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing and the cause of all angst, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story for even a second. Your opinion is of no consequence, because to mean and difficult people, you are already guilty and just awaiting sentencing, no matter what.

10 ) Understand that eventually, you and the mean difficult person will have to part ways. Whether they are a friend, a boss, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with a mean and difficult person is, literally, impossible.  They don't have friends, they take hostages.  If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.

11) Avoid letting the mean and difficult person make you into a "clone" of them. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the mean and difficult person's actions, and nothing you do can (or will) change any part of their past.

12 ) Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the mean and difficult person, so that he or she deals less damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the mean and difficult person. They do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). You can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.

13) Realize that mean and difficult people engage in projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your mean difficult person gets a look at this text, they will point out that it's a page about you.  Prepare yourself for the fact that the mean and difficult person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the mean and difficult person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.

14 ) As hard as it might be, interact with mean and difficult people from a place of detachment with common politeness and courtesy.  It won't change them or make a difference in how they treat you, but it will help you take the high road and feel better about yourself.   

growing is forever

Growing is Forever from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

This is so beautiful, I had to share.
(I've actually walked in this forest among these giant redwoods.)

what if I told you...

They were wrong.


Every person who ever told you or in any way left you feeling that you weren’t good enough or pretty enough or talented enough or smart enough or loving enough or enough of enough.

They were wrong about you.
So wrong.
And I wish you could know that for yourself like I’ve come to know that for myself.

I wish you could forget everything you think you know about yourself; the litany of every less than or not enough message you heard so many times you came to believe it and went on to tell yourself over and over again through the years.

I wish the place that holds those words could be purged and the empty space left behind could be filled with the words that would reach across time; words from my heart to yours; words that describe who and what I see when I look at you.

Yes - I wish you could see you as I see you – the traces of the woman that would grow from the child and the traces of the child still left within the woman – all of it, each and every sovereign nuance of it, beauty filled and sacred.

But as much as that is my wish, I know there is nothing I can say that will change your mind if you aren't ready to change it. 

I can only continue to hope that one day you will have whatever you need to be able to let go of everything they told you in their attempt to confine you and instead nod your head and say, “they were wrong” with heartfelt knowing and conviction.   

Instead of holding on to it one day longer.
Instead of searching for a way to make their wrong somehow right.

I understand. Really I do, because once upon a time someone said the same words to me I am now saying to you, and I tried to hold on to the wrong too. Until she told me what she had been told about herself by people and asked me if I thought they were right or wrong.

“They were wrong”, I answered, “So wrong.”
“Uh-huh,” she replied “So I’ll make you a deal - I’ll believe you if you’ll believe me.”

There were plenty of people who told me that I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or talented enough or smart enough or loving enough or special throughout my lifetime and I heard it so often, I believed them.

You would tell me they were wrong.

There were plenty of people who told you that you weren’t good enough or pretty enough or talented enough or smart enough or loving enough or special throughout your lifetime and you heard it so often, you believed them.

I will tell you they were wrong.

And we would both be right.
We so would.