opening to who I am

I receive all kinds of inspirational messages in my inbox each morning, and one of my favorites is my “morning bone sigh” from Terri St. Cloud. I lovingly call her St. Terri of the Clouds and if you know her, I’m sure you understand why. She’s the self made woman behind Bone Sigh Arts – a woman who shares the journey we all share, in words and images that speak to our hearts and souls.


Like this one that came today:

“ to let the love in
she had to put the fear down.
to put the fear down
she had to trust herself.
to trust herself she had to believe in herself.
to believe in herself she had to love herself.
to love herself she had to open to who she was. ”

“to love herself she had to open to who she was……..”

Who am I?
And what is it I have opened to?
Beyond and beneath the surface?

It might surprise you.

Not that what’s on the surface isn’t me – it is. But only a part.

And it’s not (for the most part anyway) that I purposely hide it.
It just doesn’t always come up in conversation because I no longer feel the pressure to marginalize or minimize myself by being the first one to tell you how imperfect I really am underneath that surface.

If you’re around me long enough, you’ll eventually find out for yourself because I’m too busy living me to live anything or anyone else these days.

I am creative, and passionate and eclectic and artistic.
I hate (hate) housework.
I am a free spirit.
I am smart and witty.
I read trashy romance novels for diversion.
I can be incredibly hard on myself.
I am fun.
And a loyal friend.
I spend too much money on clothes and accessories.
I don’t like everyone or want to hang around them.
I can be selfish.
I am compassionate (sometimes to a fault).
And a voracious reader.
I am kind.
I hate shaving my legs.
I won’t go out in public without make-up.
I create sacred space and have an innate ability to gather people together.
I believe in love.
I can get whiney.
I can be gossipy and judgmental.
I am a natural leader and teacher.
I love philosophical conversations.
I do a lot of service (volunteer) work.
I’m a mini hoarder.
I was bored by the book “Eat, Love, Pray” and didn’t finish it.
I try to live my life as a good person.
I procrastinate.
I make people laugh.
I cry at sadness.
I have days when all I want to do is nothing.
I’m a great mom and I have amazing children.
I’ll drink almost anything but plain water.
I don’t always finish what I start.
I make promises to myself I don’t keep.
I love my husband.
I get on my knees and pray every day.
I don’t like exercise.
I try to always do the best I can with what I have.
I’d rather eat out than cook.
I don’t facebook or twitter or want to learn how.
I am not neat, organized or tidy.
I have big dreams.
My desk is buried under piles of clutter.
I am somewhat daring and take chances.
I’m great at encouraging others.
I love being a grandma.
I once bought new underwear instead of doing a load of laundry.
I don’t always love myself.
I’m really bad at returning phone calls or answering email.
I can care too much about what other people think of me.
I’m generous and love giving things to people.
I practice please and thank you as a spiritual act.

So there you have it.
Me.

I’ll tell you that one of the greatest benefits of being in my 50’s is that I am (finally) able to be ok with who I am. To accept it and me. To no longer feel the need to point out my pathology in detail at every opportunity or think of myself as something broken and needing to be fixed.

It took a lot of years to let go of that – but having done it, I no longer feel like a fraud in my own life.

I am just me.
Gloriously human.
Warts and all.
Over all, I think I’ve turned out rather amazing.

There are some things I’m working on because I want to improve certain aspects of myself.
And there are some things I’m not working on because I’m ok with how it is or I am.

In the end, it really IS all about putting the fear down, trusting in myself, believing in myself and being open to love.

“ to let the love in
she had to put the fear down.
to put the fear down
she had to trust herself.
to trust herself she had to believe in herself.
to believe in herself she had to love herself.
to love herself she had to open to who she was. ”

Yep – that’s the story I want to share today too. 
And St. Terri of the Clouds, if you're reading this today, thank you for the daily words that so often say exactly what I'm feeling with such simple profundity!